May new moon night. Night of the first separation with my son after nearly two years since he was born. Night before Beltine and my 30th birthday. Night under the eye of heaven; the round window on the top of yurt in Sheklinah ashram. Night so close to the sacred Tor in Glastonbury where we went just before sunset with my dearest friends. No wonder I can´t sleep. No wonder I am full of emotions and thoughts. And milk! Half past three in the morning I am pumping the milk out feeling like my left boob will explode otherwise. Temptation to go out. The sky is clear and full of stars, fresh air smelling after blossoming flowers. Bless the sleepless night!
And than the morning comes. Round, exciting, full 30. Am I going to finally feel like an adult? Like a mature being? I completed my studying, got married, had a child and still it doesn’t feel quite like that. What is missing to see myself like that? Or is it more about something being in the way?
No I have never feared aging. I couldn´t wait to get older. More mature, more experienced, more stable, more ready to be in the world, more sure about my own purpose here. What I fear is I will stay forever in the archetype of Persefone The Kore, the eternal maidan unable to act from her own core and take full responsibility for it, unable to transform into Persefone The Queen Of The Underworld: the wise woman who is enriched by her deep inner experience but can act freely and courageusly act in the outer world.
I am deciding to join the fire ceremony in the temple. Throwing rice into the fire while singing matras so long that one find himself nearly in trans. And with the rice I am throwing there my own judgemets to be burned to make a space for ACCEPTANCE and JOY in my life. I am burning my unrealistic expectations about myself – to be more than I can be, to do more than I can do. Looking back I have always wished to become better in some way. There were long lists of all the work I needed to do on myself. Ticking what has been done and adding more. Temporal happiness and following dissapointment – I haven’t done enough yet. I haven’t done everything that I should or could have done (isn’t it life-long task?). So much trying! So much pressure on myself! If only I could stop pushing the river… There wasn’t ever enough space to look back and celebrate what I have already achieved.
My wish for this time is to embrace who I am now with all the mess, imperfections and all the shade parts that I was pushing to transform before its own time.
Rest. Restore. Receive. Respect. Review.
Celebrate being above doing.
Celebrate that I am alive.
Celebrate that I know where I am heading to.
Celebrate that I know what is fulfilling me, what I want to bring to the world.
Celebrate what I have learned untill now.
Celebrate my willingness to never stop learning.
Celebrate all the usual, all the subtile, all the invisible.
Welcome life as it is right now.
Welcome myself as I am right now.
Welcome joy in various forms without procrestination.
Welcome extatic experience.
Welcome my own greatness.
I am pouring my own milk in the morning tea and the rest to the magnificient red beech tree. Marking the turning point of starting to take my body and my power back so I can give it to other things than just my child (yes I know I give it to the planet through upbringing my child as well). Giving it to the Earth from that I take so much every day. Giving it through my spiritual work as Rivka Leah reffers of ones conscious life mission/passion.
Everything what is in the way – my fears, guilt, shame, envy, anger, ambition, impatience – I wish to wash off in the Chalice Well. This sacred spring under the ground in cave-like-space filled with candles, fragrant sticks, crystals, various religious objects and naked people (note: I don´t know any other place in England where you are allowed to have a bath naked in the public – even in the saunas you have to wear swimming suit! Where else would it be possible than in fantasy-realm-made-real Glastonbury where you meet more people with horns, wreths and fairy clothes than ‘normal looking’ people? How interesting that I feel here almost to ‘normal’ despite cathegorizing myself as alternative person. I don´t need to have horns or tail to feel different though).
And I know I will wash my shade parts over and over again. I will burn my judgements about my shade parts maybe for the rest of my life. Because it is a life task to embrace it. I know that it won’t just disappear. But in these moments when my soul is soft and likely to break I will remind myself to stop and breath. Breath it in and out. In and out. Until it becomes a bit lighter, until I can see myself a bit clearer and feel more compassion.
The Queen is not the one who judges herself or others. She is not queen because she consider herself being better than other people and above all the common human mess. She rules but not somebody else. She rules herself: The Queen is the one who makes the choices about her life and she is fully aware of it. Becoming thirty I am realizing that it is my choice to feel mature. It is my choice to feel powerful in my vulnerability. It is my choice to feel whole right now.